A FUNNY THING HAPPENED TO ME WHILE I BOUGHT MY EXPLOSIVES TODAY

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED TODAY AT PHANTOM FIREWORKS: AN INTERESTINGLY ODD FUNNY STORY (I think?).

So we’re walking into our favorite Phantom Fireworks store today in Myrtle Beach. We’ve been going to this particular one off of route 501 for over 12 years now, because its the best one around with amazing “buy-one-get-one-free” deals which help to satisfy my pyrotechnic obsession when we vacation here. You just can’t have this much fun up north……down here, a boy ( yes me ) gets to play with all sorts of explosives on the beach, entertaining all the resorts and high-rise condos around us with a knock-your-socks-off light show which, not only lasts a long time due to the buy-one-get-one-free deals, but also provides the actor in me with ovations and cries out for, “MORE!!!!” Yes, the kids and I do take bows.

So we walk in this particular time and everything looks as it should; a Walmart size store stockpiled with explosive magic everywhere. My wife asks about coupons, and the young woman reassures her that everything is buy-one-get-one-free, so no need for coupons.

But before I can walk down the first isle she mentions;

“Sir, we’ll just need to see a photo ID and have you sign a waiver that you are not going to use these fireworks for any terrorist activity.”

….and as if this wasn’t strange enough, she then goes on to ask me….

“Do you plan on using these fireworks for any harmful or terrorist activities?”

So with a perplexed look on my face that must have resembled a bemused honey bear, I look to my wife and daughter for a moment for verification. Did she really just ask me that question?

“Not today,” I answered, and we all walked off to see the deals.

Now while shopping I couldn’t help but contemplate the options one might have for answering such a question, asked by their friendly local fireworks salesperson. I am also wondering how many would-be terrorists may well have had their plans foiled today by the power of the tongue, simply by hearing this question.

Would-be terrorist walks in:
Clerk asks;
“Sir, will you be using these fireworks for any terrorist activities?”
“Oh SHIT!” He then replies. “You had to ask that question! You just HAD TO ASK THAT QUESTION!!!! Darn it now you’ve gone and ruined everything !!!!”
So the would-be terrorist runs out of the store, jumps into his car and peels out, screeching down the road. He calls his buddy-terrorist on the cell phone. He picks up;

“Did you accomplish your mission at Phantom Fireworks?”
“SHIT!!!!! UHHHHH!! NO!!!!!”
“WHAT! WHY! We need those damn fireworks to complete our terrorist activities!!!!”
“DUDE….! SHE ASKED ME THE QUESTION!.”
“What question is that!?”
“SHE ASKED ME IF I WAS GOING TO USE THESE FOR ANY TERRORIST ACTIVITIES!!!!”
“And you said YES ?!”
“NO! DUDE I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY SO I RAN OUT THE DOOR!”
“You don’t remember your training!? We TOLD YOU to always answer that question with a SOLID NOOOOOO!!!!”
“OH SHIT! Sorry I forgot, I’ll go back and just say no!”

What would some other options have been?

“Hmmmm you know, I hadn’t really thought about it, but now that you mention it, what did you have in mind? Does it involve a whole bunch of bottle rockets?”

Suppose the terrorist who wants to buy fireworks screws up, and quickly says, “Oh yeah, I am buying here for my terrorist activities because your prices are second to none! Oh wait a minute, perhaps I shouldn’t have just told you that…….uhhhhh, no, no these are just for shooting off on the beach for fun.”

Or maybe the terrorist is devoutly religious ( which I hear every second of my life on the TV), and he just can’t tell a lie when asked a direct quesiton……;

“Dude, you told her YES!? Why the hell did you tell her YES?!”
“I don’t know, it seemed like she was on to me and you know I can not tell a lie!”
“Well now what am I going to tell fearless leader!!!!? Just what in HELL am I going to tell the fearless leader!!!!? Now we’re in BIG TROUBLE!!!! We just ruined all his terrorist plans!!!”

I mean really? Is this how stupid? Is this how moronic? Is this how mentally challenged we have all become as a society that no one even thinks anymore whether or not the question they are asking is…..not only relevant, not only absurd, but utterly ridiculous?

I am reminded of the young check out clerk at Trader Joe’s in Stamford a few years back, who quite ridiculously asked me for ID when I went to buy beer there for a party we were having. I looked at him like he had three heads.
“Are you kidding me, you’re carding me for beer?”
“Yes sir, its the new store policy, we have to ask everyone.”
“Please explain the logic to me behind that statement.”
“Sir?”
“Please explain why you are asking a man who is obviously old enough to be your father for proof of age to by beer.”
“Well we have to ask everyone so no one feels like we are being prejudice.”
“You know that has to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard.”
“Sir?”
“Son, here is the money for the beer, I am not showing you my ID.”
“Why not?”
“Well don’t you think its just a bit ridiculous?”
“Yes but they told me I had to ask everyone.”
” I refuse to participate in ridiculous policies issued by your employer simply because you don’t feel like questioning them.”

He took my money without my ID, and I walked out with the beer. Don’t know if they ever changed that “policy,” but perhaps it came from the same liberalized revamped RULE BOOK which doesn’t see the folly of asking a terrorist if he plans on using fireworks for terrorism…..or doctors on vacation with their families for that matter, because don’t you know? Didn’t you hear? EVERYONE TODAY IS A POTENTIAL TERRORIST……including your dog.

What bull shit……………………………..